Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Holy Offense, Batman: Sox Score 9. No, the Red Sox. Yes, I'm Serious!

Oh, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking I'm a jerk for having complained about the offense, right? You're thinking that I should stop complaining and just be patient with them because they'll come around and yesterday's game proves that. That's what you're thinking, isn't it? Well you're wrong! I HAVE to call them out and complain about them, because if I don't, they won't have any other way to make me look like a jackass for my impatience. I am well aware of this. They do it to me all the time, so I know I have to complain so they can prove me wrong. Maybe I've not been complaining enough.

For the second night in a row, the Sox have the great misfortune of having to face another team's ace. Sunday, it was Felix Hernandez, who as I've discovered, is not really a king. He's actually just an ace. Better than being a spade, I guess. Monday, we had the pleasure of facing undefeated Jered Weaver. Awesome! Just what we need when we're struggling to keep the offense rolling, right? Actually, it is right. Way to step up the game to match the level of the competition, boys. Now, can we work on not stepping DOWN the game to match the level of crappier competition? Thanks!

Pardon the pun, but the Sox got the ball rolling in the bottom of the first with an RBI single from some guy wearing #20, driving in some guy made of pretzel sticks.... er... I mean, Ellsbury. No, I swear I'm gonna stop saying that about him. Eventually. Anyhows, Dahmer ended up going 6.2 innings. He wasn't awesome, giving up 8 hits and two runs, but he did have that all-important Quality Start that we need and love so much. Both runs came off the bat of Bobby Abreu, who just won't f'n stop torturing us. God, you're not a Yankee any more! Cut it out! The third inning RBI was a single and the 5th inning run was due to a force out. It was nothing super troubling.

Our guys, though... the hitters? I liked them. I'm actually going to petition the league so that we get no days off and spend all of our games playing the Angels. They're the only team that brings out the best in our boys. Hell if I know why. Weaver blanked us for three innings (2 through 4), but we brought out the bats again in the fifth. Dustin Pedroia, you insanely mighty midget you.... Dustin battled against Weaver in a 13 pitch monstrosity of an at-bat that would have been devastating had it ended any differently. Not a single pitch was a called strike. Thirteen pitches it took, but Pedroia made Weaver bend to his will, and he smacked a single up the middle, driving in two runs and giving the Sox their lead back. My grandchildren's grandchildren will tell tales of Pedroia's greatness. But even they won't believe that he's 5'9". No chance, Munchkin. Sorry.

Munchkin's greatness just prompts others around him to be great. That fifth inning at bat was fantastic, but it merely lit the flame for the firestorm of offense they brought in the seventh. My dear Jason got the wheels moving with a one-out single. CRW saw his single and upped him a double. If Jason weren't as slow as dried paint, he may have been able to score, but I'm not judging him. I love him and his slowness. Munchkin cuts his pitches per plate appearance in half and only takes five to walk, loading the bases for Ernie. In five bases-loaded at-bats this season, Gonzalez now has two hits as he took a Francisco Rodriguez fastball into center for a double. Despite being as slow as dried paint, Tek managed to make it around to score, Ellsbury and Pedroia right behind him. Literally. They pretty much were stepping on his shoes waiting for him to cross home plate. A #20 double brought Ernie home, and then Papi brought the inning home with a 2-run home run. It was pretty spectacular. Wish I had been there to cheer for it.

Dan Wheeler allowed a 2-run shot to Wells in the 8th and Oki allowed an RBi double in the 9th to Maicer Izturis, but that was it. Your final score, 9-5 Boston. The funny, and scary, thing is, we actually got outhit in this game 13 to 11. Still, not leaving three hundred men in scoring position leaves me with a sunny outlook this morning. I'll be at the park tonight to watch my favorite baseball Binky take on Dan Haren. What are the odds that we'll get to Homeless Haren again? I don't know, but you know my review tomorrow is going to be full of the name Dan Haren. Just cause it's fun. Happy Tuesday, everyone.

And way to go, Bruins!

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