Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Finally: Some News

In a move that suprised literally no one, the Sox have decided to bring on Bobby Valentine as their new manager. My thoughts:

1) What the heck took them so long? We all knew Valentine was the front-runner for the job at least a few weeks back. What, did they have to go back through the video of his greatest hits? Did they have to finish up his fratboy hazing before he was welcome on the club? Am I just being really impatient about this whole thing? I think it's the last one, but it feels like they took forever to make up their minds. I hope they're completely happy with this decision.

2) I do think Valentine was the most qualified for the job among the remaining candidates. Knowing what little I do about him, I think he's going to be a much sterner force from the bench than Tito was. I don't know if that's necessarily a good thing, but I guess we'll find out. I adored Tito and his managerial style. Granted, some of his decisions drove me crazy, but I don't think any manager alive will make me happy 100% of the time. It remains to be seen if a more strong-willed manager can get our Pitchers of Beer under control.

3) I wonder what his beverage of choice is. I think it would be nice if he would take up drinking Bigelow green tea, just so the transition from Tito to Bobby will be a smooth one. Then again, he does seem more like a coffee man. Time will tell.

4) Anyway, welcome to the madhouse, Mr. Valentine. Don't mess up. Ever. Or I will blog angrily about you.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Happy Thanksgiving, Red Sox Nation

To all the lovely folks that stop by this here ramblin' hole to get an earful of my crazy, ranty opinions, Happy Thanksgiving. I hope by the end of the day, you are all happy and full and surrounded by the people you love. I know I will be. Have a fantastic day, everyone!

And I can't wait to see if Keebs is going to bring anything delicious to the table today! He's an elf. He should at least be able to whip up some desserts. See you guys after the food coma!

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Verlander For MVP: Good?

I think I'm supposed to be up in arms over the fact that Pretzels didn't win the AL MVP. You know me. I'm not. Granted, I think I would have been ok with Pretzels winning, but I am not willing to make a moving, heart-warming case over why Verlander just didn't measure up.

I am in the camp of rabid baseball fanatics that believe pitchers shouldn't be eligible for MVP awards. While the rest of the team is on the field day after day, a pitcher works once a week. How can he be most valuable? I don't see it. It is INSANELY important to point out that my philosophy on this particular topic is a disgruntled reaction to the great MVP Disaster of 1999. Look it up. No pitcher since then has even come close to being worthy. Why is Verlander more worthy than Pedro? WHY?! GAHH!

It's fine. Verlander apparently is now made of gold and can do no wrong. He can take home as much hardware as his little heart desires. Too bad the Tigers didn't make the World Series. I'm pretty sure I was rooting for them at some point. I don't remember. That was a really long time ago.

I don't think there's anything else that I need to update you kind people on. Theo stole our perspective manager, but the last laugh will be on him when he starts waving in batters during someone else's at bat. Those poor little Cubs don't know what's in store for them. So many outs at home. So. Many. Outs. No, I'm NOT bitter.

It's not like we still don't have a manager and our GM has accomplished nothing since putting Lackey on the shelf. Can we get some things crossed off that to-do list, Keebs? It's winter. I'm cold. I need the Hot Stove to keep me warm. What the hell are you waiting for?

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Keebler?: Anyone Got Better Ideas

Ben Cherington is not giving me anything to work with! His Wikipedia page has nothing helpful (see for yourself here). He hasn't found a manager, signed a Big Papi, or done anything yet to give me any indication that he even deserves a nickname. I mean, even an abbreviated google search revealed no more pertinent information about Benny boy. How am I supposed to assign a merry moniker in the absence of revealing run-through of his entire life?! Yet Lauren is right. He needs a nickname. Ben Cherington is just too cumbersome a name to continuously write out.

I realize it's early in the Hot Stove season. Really, right now, we're in the warm stove season, when everything is just getting ready to go. Before we know it, there will be smoke, and fire, and cookies and Ben will have done something worthy of a nickname.

Nickname-maker is a hard job. Look at this. It's turned me into a rambling fool... you know, moreso than usual. We could call him GM-ington. We could call him White Rice (Uncle Ben... rice... is that racist?). We definitely shouldn't call him Benny Boy, though, because Urban Dictionary tells me that it's an unflattering nickname. Same with "Super Fruit" (I did a google search for cherry and the term Super Fruit came up. Just thought I'd let you in on the process). What about Mighty Mouse? Here he comes to save the day? I don't know. I don't know if any of these are sticking. We could call him Edward Smith, who was the captain of the Titanic. That would be bad karma! We don't want to call him Edward Smith. We don't actually want to mimic the Titanic, though the team did.... well, you know. But that was under Epstein, so if anything, Theo is Edward Smith. Good luck, Cubbies!

I've got Keebler. The man looks like a Keebler elf. This is what I have to work with, and therefore you get a half-hearted nickname based solely on his appearance. I know. It's lazy and you all deserve better from me, BUT YOU CAN'T HAVE BETTER! Does ANYONE have any other ideas?

Feel free to discuss. I kind of like Mighty Mouse, but Keebler is faster to type. If I don't come up with anything better, I'm flipping a coin and whatever nickname wins is going on my list. It's over to the right. See it? You might have to scroll down (or up) a little. There you go. He's either going to be an elf, or a mouse. His fate is in your, or the coin's, hands. And yes, I am aware that coins don't have hands.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Clever Joke About Entrance Theme: Goodbye Post

See ya, Paps. Good luck in Philly. That's really all I have to say about that.

Still working on that nickname. It's slow goings, guys. Slow goings.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Gold Gloves: No Complaints

Erick Aybar, I love you. I know almost nothing about you, and I don't throw the word 'love' around easily (ok, when it comes to baseball, I definitely do, but for the sake of this post, I do not), but I absolutely love you. Why, you may ask? I'll tell you why.

Because you're not Derek F*&^ing Jeter.

You could be a can of creamed corn for all I care. The only thing I care about is that you're not Jeter, and you won a gold glove. I'm sure you deserved it. And if you didn't? Well I don't care. I support you winning it anyway. Because at this point, it's nothing but bitterness toward the SS Gold Glove and I need something to make me like it again. You, Erick Aybar, you will make me like it again. Today, sir, you are my hero.

In a little bit of good press from the Sox stronghold, three of our little darlings also came away with a gold glove. It's extremely fortunate that the gold glove voters didn't seem to watch how anyone played in September! I kid. You know, sort of. So congratulations to Ernie, Pretzels, and Munchkin. I still think Pretzels' defense is overrated, but I'm not going to begrudge him this award. I'm proud of our boys, who are (I'm sure) at this very moment strapped to chairs Clockwork Orange style, being forced to watch every moment of failure through the entire season.... because only making them watch September wouldn't be as effective and wouldn't last as long. I have no doubts that Ben Cherington is doing this for us because he loves us and wants us to be happy.

In other news, still trying to think up a good, clever nickname for Mr. Ben. I don't want to go the easy route and call him Uncle Ben... and I was thinking about Goldfinger, but I guess he'll have to do some other good stuff before he really earns that nickname. I'll go back to thinking....

Yeah, so congratulations, guys! Good work!