Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Theo's Chicanery Brought Us Here: And We Believed Every Word He Said

Here's the deal. I like the word chicanery. I feel like I don't get to use it enough, so while it may not be the BEST choice of words, I'm going with it. That's right, I am pushing the bar on words I can use in a baseball post.

Oh, I'm sorry, did you expect me to explain the deal with the Red Sox? Yeah, no, I'm not qualified to do that. My best guess? They can't pitch or hit. Crawford is a mess right now. Someone get that guy a therapist and have him talk out all these problems he's having. Dude, we got you because you could hit and steal bases. When you're doing neither? We sort of get angry. As for Ernie, my excitement was my own mistake. See, I looked at all of his numbers and spray charts, and I fell for the hype. I didn't consider that the pitchers he had all those great numbers off of were NL pitchers. AL pitchers are much different animals. In all fairness, Ernie does have one the higher batting averages on the team, but he's not delivering when we need him to. You know who is? Scutaro. Pretty sure he leads the team with hits w/RISP. I'm not going to look up the numbers because I'll have to see other numbers that will make me sad, and I am not making myself sad for you, internet world. Sorry.

You want a silver lining in this shit storm that the Red Sox season is turning into? Jon Lester has logged his second quality start of the year, going seven innings yet again and only giving up three runs. Of course it would have been nice if he hadn't given up ANY runs, or if he hadn't given up so many hits, but I'll take the little tidbit of hope and cover my eyes with it tonight when John Lackey goes out and gets another undeserved win.

I'm just sick of this. Guys, if you don't have it in you to win, stop trying. Honestly. If you're always going to be one (or nine) runs short, just don't put in the effort at all. Let the other team pitch perfect games off of us. Don't swing the bats. Don't field anything. Let them run up the score. Really, why not? If you're just going to lose anyway, at least let us sit back and say 'at least they're not trying. If they tried, they'd win.' I could definitely fool myself like that. Because this trying and losing thing? It's sad. It's not enjoyable to think that your team that is as stacked as the Red Sox really does suck (Pedroia excluded, obviously). Four series into the season, and they're still playing like it's February. What is it gonna take to wake this team up? I cannot, CANNOT survive watching this team play this badly for another 151 games. I can't. It will kill me. Something's got to give.

At the very least, they need to find more entertaining, less stress inducing ways to lose. I'm with you all the way, boys, but damnit, stop trying to kill me!

To quote the Foo Fighters, "Hey, don't go and turn the other way. Don't say there's nothing more to say." You can take away from that what you will. Or you can go buy the new Foo Fighters album and pretend it's 1998 with me again. Why 1998? I don't know. I mentally put every year that Lackey was not on my team in an imaginary hat, and I drew 1998, so there you go. I'm going to get myself a prescription for heart pills and I'll see you all at 7:10... or whenever I'm brave enough to come out from under my bed.

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