Cast of characters:

*Warning* Contains stupidity and nonsense. ... and vulgarity.

Considering I'm really only going to refer to the players by their nicknames, everyone else on earth may have a hard time figuring out who it is I'm writing about. So, let's just get this out of the way early, and move on. Please note that most of these nicknames are the first damn things I blurt out when I see them on the field or on any given gameday, so no offense intended.

-Jason Varitek: Captain, Tek, Quadzilla, Darling, Love, Precious... just about anything I feel like calling him at the moment.... it's usually fairly clear that I'm talking about him. Nothing bad will ever be said on this blog about Jason. Nothing. I don't care if he strikes out 500 straight times by swinging at that pesky high fastball. I don't care if it's discovered that he's resposible for Doug Mirabelli's firing. I don't care if he's responsible for nuclear war. I don't care if he just drove a van full of dynamite and malaria straight into a ICU center and intentionally maimed a bunch of babies and old people. I don't care if he sets fire to my dog (I don't have a dog, so he can go right ahead). Jason is exempt. Because I've seen where this team goes without him, and I do not like it.

-Kevin Youkilis: 1st half of the season - Youk. 2nd half of the season (after the ASB) - Asshat. I like Youkilis, but that's his nickname from July to October. No exceptions.

-Dustin Pedroia: Munchkin, kiddo, little guy, shorty, Scrappy-Doo. All the short jokes go, with love, to Dustin. Come on, he looks like he's 12!

-Julio Lugo: Piece of Shit. Usually abbreviated to POS. Not to be confused with fat, useless piece of shit (FUPOS) AKA David Wells. I do not like Julio Lugo, and you shouldn't either.

-Mike Lowell: Mr. Awesome, Mikey Doubles, my handsome Cuban friend (he's not really my friend... but 'my handsome Cuban stranger' doesn't sound right). Mike Lowell slander will also not be tolerated, as I am certain it's illegal in most countries.

-Manny Ramirez: Manny Being Manny (MBM)... which is what most people call him. Super Manny, at times. Usually nothing too bad, even when he's dogging it... I like Manny.

-Coco Crisp/Jacoby Ellsbury: Jacoco/Cocoby Crispbury. Our centerfielders are interchangable, so are their names. Both Coco and Jacoby can be either one (or both) on any given day. You'll know which one I'm talking about, because he will be the only one playing that night. (IE - if Coco is playing center, and Jacoby is riding the pine, then Coco automatically becomes Jacoco Crispbury)

-Coco Crisp (when he and Ellsbury are playing): Grumpy

-Jacoby Ellsbury (when he and Crisp are playing): Chief Running Water (sometimes abbreviated at CRW), Navajo Nightmare, Speedy

-JD Drew: Nancy, Glassman, ect.

-Kevin Cash: does not deserve a nickname. Does not deserve a job. How the hell does he keep getting in the park?!

-Alex Cora: Prince. He only gets base hits when doves cry.... in purple rain.

-Sean Casey: Frankie, the Mayor. Since he runs like Frankenstein's monster, but I just don't have the willpower to call him Frankenstein's monster every time he's at bat. He came with the nickname "The mayor"... who am I to deny him that one?

-Doug Mirabelli (shut up, he's still on the team!): Dougie, Hitman... with my apologies to Bret Hart, Sexy Italian Catcher (SIC), Pizza-Loving Doug (this was actually never proven, just assumed)

-Brandon Moss: Randy, Kurt Wagner. I'd explain the Kurt Wagner thing, but no one would get it anyway.

-Justin Masterson: Fetus... ok, this one needs a little explanation. Since he looks younger than Pedroia, and it's almost impossible to be younger than Pedroia, he gets demoted to fetus.

-Josh Beckett: Joshybear. Yeah. That's the first thing that comes out of my brain when I see him. Joshybear. Only a real man can pull that off. On occassion, he will just be Beckett. Other days, I tend to like the nickname he received over at survivinggrady.com... Commander Kickass. That one will pop up on occassion, but I take no credit for it.

-Mike Timlin - Admiral. He can't be the Captain, and he can't be the Commander, but he needed something that shows he's in charge (at least of the bullpen pirates if not his pitch location)

-Craig Hansen: Pretty Woman.

-Jon Lester: Binky. I don't know. I'm really protective of him. I don't like people badmouthing Jon. Badmouthing Jon is like slapping amputees*. There's just no need for it, and I find it in bad taste. (*but it's nothing like slapping manatees... and if you're going to slap a manatee, please record it and send me the video. Thanks!)

-Clay Buchholz: Dahmer. If you can't picture him chewing on body parts of people he just killed, you're just not using your imagination enough.

Believe me. There are more. I can't think of them right now, so I haven't used them in a while. Non Sox or former Sox with nicknames are as follows:

-Kevin Millar: Ducky
-Bill Mueller: Big League
-Trot Nixon: Little Tek
-Mark Bellhorn: Babyface
-Alex Gonzalez (the last shortstop I truly loved): Gonzo
-Gabe Kapler: Gabe.
-Kason Gabbard: Killer
-Mark Loretta: Lolo
-Bronson Arroyo: Twig

There is no Johnny Damon.