Friday, July 11, 2008

Tampa Bay (Devil) Rays: What I Hate About You

I was inspired this morning by a journalist over in St. Pete's to post up lists of what I don't like about other teams. Tampa Bay gets to be the first team I trash for no reason! The Yankess will probably be next, but I don't know if they're even worth my time. Before I start, I want to clear up the fact that I don't necessarily HATE any team, and most of the things I am going to say about all teams are completely made up... like, really, ridiculously, no-truth-whatsoever made up. Because this week, I'm all about rumors, baby. Without further delay, my ridiculous list.

Hey (Devil) Rays.... here's 10 things I hate about you!

10) You changed your name. I physically cannot say the names of the team in this league without adding (Devil) to yours, so the fact that you REMOVED the Devil (via exorcism, I'd imagine) is more than just a little bit inconvenient to me. And let's face it, it's just a little bit selfish, too.

9) Your stadium is stupid. OK, coming from a Red Sox fan, this may be laughable. But at least in our park, when Ortiz hits a home run so high and deep into fair territory in the outfield that it has a distinct possibility of bouncing off the moon, and maybe knocking a few meteors off a deadly collision-path with this planet, it always counts as a home run. We're less concerned with giving cats areas to roam than we are with counting home runs, thank you.

8)Cowbells. Unless you have Christopher Walken in attendance every freakin' night, there is NO need for more cowbell. I don't have the fever, and the cowbell is just getting on my nerves. Who brings a damn cowbell to a baseball game anyway?

7) Joe Maddon can't sing like Weezer. But he tries damn hard to look like them. I don't think Rivers Cuomo would appreciate knowing that someone is ripping off his look because he's been working towards that exact look for decades, and he's still got quite a way to go. Maddon, on the other hand, swoops in while Rivers is attending college and steals the look from under his nose. That's just not acceptable. I mean, have you ever heard Maddon trying to sing "El Scorcho"? It makes me react with my own horrible rendition of "Say It Aint So." Listen, Maddon, I know that you wanna be cool with the kids, and you're gonna keep doin' the things that you wanna do, but really now. I'm offended. And no, I'm not going to buy your version of the Green Album!

6)Scott Kazmir hates penguins. How can anyone hate penguins? Shame on you, Scott, and the organization that employs you. And don't give me the bull that penguins killed your parents. We all know it's not true, and you said that last week about bunnies. That's just wrong.

5) Eric Hinkse hits for you. Not for nothing, but Eric Hinske couldn't figure out which way he was supposed to hold the bat when he was playing for us. Hell, sometimes he wouldn't even use a bat. He'd go up to home plate with a golf club. That's giving new meaning to the phrase "automatic out." How did he turn it all around once he left us?! Did you hide his golf clubs?!

4) Carlos Peña. He's from Haverhill. You have no rights to him. Give him back now.

3) You stopped respecting Timmy Wonderpitches. Ok, this is just unforgivable. I don't know if perhaps you lost the memo, but you're not supposed to give Wake a hard time, especially in your craptacular "ballpark." The deal is, he pitches against you, you flail stupidly against the knuckleball and lose the game. THAT'S HOW IT WORKS! That's how it's worked FOREVER. Just because you feel like winning does not give you the right to win against Tim. Pick another pitcher. Fausto Carmona. Mike Mussina. Zack Greinke. Anyone, I don't care! Just not Wakefield. It will not be tolerated. For that matter, I just know Dougie is planning something for you to bring you down to earth. He can do that. He's Italian. Oh, and screw Kevin Cash.

2) No one on your team has a name beginning with the letter "H." That's some serious racism right there. I mean, we have Hideki Okajima, the Yankees have Hideki Matsui, the Angels have Howie Kendrick, the Astros have Hunter Pence, the A's have Huston Street, the Cubs have Henry Blanco... should I go on? Oh, I know you'll use the excuse "Well, we're not the only team who doesn't employ anyone who's first name begins with H." But gang mentality won't work here. Russia wasn't the only one to try communism, but I didn't approve of that either! As a matter of fact, Scott Kazmir isn't the only one on Earth who doesn't like penguins. Does that mean I approve of all people who don't like penguins, just because they aren't the only one? NO! Ridiculous!

and finally... 1) You think you've won something. Excuse me, but do we mock you by playing your silly little Bay Ray superhero cartoons on the big screen at Fenway when you lose to us? In case you forgot, we're still the world champions. Beating us in the regular season doesn't make you the champs. Remember that. See you in September.

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