Friday, July 11, 2008

New York Yankees: Ten Things I Hate About You

This one, strangely enough, is actually going to be hard for me, but here we go...

10) The 'Stache. No, really, it's hideous. And it makes me a little bit queasy, just seeing it sit there, being unproductive and disruptive like Julio Lugo's fielding. Between the shiny shared thong and the 'stache, Giambi might be auditioning to join Julian in the adult film industry. And nothing about that sentence is ok. Nothing at all.

9)Joe Girardi. Actually, he doesn't belong on this list at all, I just needed an excuse to mention him. He's friggin hilarious! Really! Listen to his press conferences, and you'll see what I mean. Bickering with the media, getting obviously upset over repetitive questions, and not actually saying anything important. I love it. Joe Girardi makes me laugh, and he should make you laugh too. If you don't laugh at his misery, you have no soul. But I do hate that I don't get to see nearly enough of his press conferences. You should hate that, too.

8) Bobby Abreu plays the wrong character. Bobby doesn't seem to care that he's pretty much born for the role of an ewok. He's been demanding to play Chewbacca at all of Johnny Damon's Star Wars themed birthday parties. Says Damon, "Bobby doesn't like um uh get it um, man. He like uh should um be the uh little um ewok. He's like, um, not big enough to um uh be Chewbacca. He's um ruining uh the whole um damn uh party!" Johnny then burst into tears. Abreu's response was to growl and walk away, causing Kyle Farnsworth to cry with Johnny. That kind of selfishness is just deplorable. Hasn't Bobby ever heard of the concept of 'team?' You can't just do what you want to do if it hurts your team. (Actually, now that I finished writing this, I find it kind of funny that Star Wars was the first thing that popped into my head when thinking about the Yankees. Thanks a lot, Lucchino!)

7)Mike Mussina does not have antlers. You can't be called a Moose and be antler-less. That's just ridiculous and upsetting.

6) Hal Steinbrenner. He's really dropping the ball here on the family insanity. Seriously, Hal, when is the last time you said or did anything controversial or amusing? Your brother has that market cornered. Since your father really stays out of the picture, there isn't much competition for the title of Family Quackjob. Don't let Hank run away with it. I know you have hidden bits of wisdom to blurt out. Instead of saying that Joba Chamberlain is Josh Beckett, try something like "Joba Chamberlain is the next Doug Mirabelli." Sure, everyone will look at you and ask why you think he's going to turn into a handsome Italian catcher, but keep them guessing my friend. Keep them guessing. So far, you get an F for fail.

5) Susan Waldman. Don't know if I spelled her name right. Don't care. All I have to say is... HA!

4) They don't listen to Kevin Millar. Ok, I'm not going to complain about the fact that in '04, they disobeyed my Ducky when he said "Don't let us win tonight." Thing is, they're stubborn, so Millar could have said ANYTHING and they would have disobeyed him, just to prove that they don't have to listen to anybody. "Don't wear pink tutus on the field tonight," Millar could have suggested... "Don't roll around in poison ivy tonight".... "Don't make me a pizza tonight"... "Don't leave your sleeping bag at Jeter's tonight"... "Don't feed Mariano Rivera that extra chili dog tonight"... "Don't sleep with that washed up 80's singer tonight" (So I guess he got around to saying that last one after all). If they had just listened to Millar, they wouldn't be such a laughingstock right about now. Millar has this uncanny ability to be right*, so by ignoring him, the Yankees are trying to prove they don't need his wisdom. They do. And don't you ever forget that, Yankees. Stubborn, arrogant baseball team... Oh, and thanks Ducky!

*Disclaimer... that might not actually be true.

3) 26 Championships/rings. This is, by far, the most overused phrase in the history of Yankeedom. It's especially annoying when followed with "compared to your 2 championships" because that's just ignorant. Listen, Yankee fans, if you want to be proud of Yankee HISTORY (pay close attention to that word, now) that's fine. You should be proud. But let's not forget now that most of those championships were won before people like me were born. And if you're going to count your ancient championships, keep in mind that the Red Sox have a couple of those, too. Pretending that they don't just to prove the point that you used to be relevant is foolish. We have more than two, idiots!

2)The average Yankee fan. Arrogant, annoying, and entitled. I don't know many Yankee fans who aren't brainwashed by the '26 rings' mantra. And they have the nerve to complain about Red Sox fans? You know, complain about the fake fans all you want. The ones who act like they know everything, but can't name the starting lineup. (Which, by the way, New York has tons of). But pay attention to what your team is doing. Just because the Yankees have a great history (see, it's that word again) doesn't mean they're entitled to be good now. And you know what? They're really not. Ask the Rays how relevant history is right about now. Exactly.

1) They stole Johnny Damon's soul. And I think he's too stupid to know it's missing!

No comments: