Half-assed Live Blogging: Hoping For Some Magic

The intent was, obviously, to live blog this game for the sake of doing it. I looked at the lineups, and I'm not so sure I want to continue. Youkilis is out with an injured ankle. McDonald is batting second, Pedroia's batting fourth, Tek is batting fifth, and Sutton is somehow in the lineup. Suffice it to say... I miss Crawford, and I miss having Papi in the lineup. Let's hope these nine make me eat my words.

Word coming out right now is that Mike Cameron was designated for assignment, and Yamaico Navarro is being bused in from Pawtucket as we speak. It's sad, because I liked Cameron enough, but it was time. We were getting nothing from him. Good luck, Mike!
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Ok, first pitch. Let's go before I start internet shopping. I almost just bought a new pair of heels, but at some point in everyone's lives, they need to stop and ask themselves "Just how many zebra print heels do I need?"
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First inning! Alright! Here we go! Ells gets on and then..... ugh, F**K you, Ronald. You're horrible. That pitch was right down the middle. At least have the decency to strike out and stop dragging everyone down with you. Sometimes I hate you guys. Hopefully Lester is better than you three.

Bottom first! Nice work, Jonny. I felt like you were wasting a few pitches there, but who am I to argue with results? Now you've set a precedent, and I'll know if you're not trying as hard. Just saying.
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Second inning! Man, you guys are going to have to do something, because I cannot keep up this faux enthusiasm all afternoon while you fail at everything. Right now, Sutton and Ernie are tied for the 'Taking the Most Pitches' award. There's no prize. Everyone should want to win, though.

Bottom second! Ok, WHO gave Lester permission to walk anyone? Cause I sure as heck didn't! I can't see Jon's reaction, because I'm GameDaying this, but I'm pretty sure he scowled at the result of his second pitch to Ibanez. It was very strikey. So is Ibanez. Out.
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Third inning! I swear, if you guys don't muster up something, I'm ditching the exclamation points for the next half inning. That is a threat. Fine, you guys obviously don't love my enthusiasm. It's gone. I'm pouting from now on.

Bottom third. Christ, Jon, he's the pitcher! You can throw him strikes! He threw YOU strikes! Ball one to Jimmy Rollins? CLEARLY a strike, ump. But it doesn't matter. He got them anyway. Perhaps I'll give Jon the enthusiasm back. He seems to be the only one to appreciate it! (<--- see? Enthusiasm! Well earned!)
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Fourth inning (<--- no enthusiasm. Also well earned). Really, Ronald? Ugh. These are not productive at-bats, gentleman! You might want to take your heads out of your asses and do something. What say you, Munchkin? You say no? Well, I hate you, too.

Bottom fourth! Come on Jon, I hate the rest of your team mates... what? Yes, I am aware I come off as a very angry person. That's not MY fault. It's sort of all you guys' fault. Guess you all know what you need to do to change my outlook on the world, huh? Have I ever mentioned that I disapprove of the shape of Placido Polanco's head? I do. It's a troubling shape. One thing I can say about the home plate ump... he is consistent in missing the bottom of the strike zone. I'd like to know where he thinks that thing ends. Ok.... now I'm really angry. Chase Utley, consider yourself hated. Forever. And Jim Wolf, Mr. Home Plate Umpire, someone needs to explain to you how a strike zone works. You've effectively took away the bottom third of the strike zone from Jon. I blame you for all the failure. And there's a lot of failure going on.
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Fifth inning. Is it offensive to say that the Sox couldn't get two hits if they were locked in a room with an angry Ike Turner? Is that reference too outdated? I need to get up-to-date with my pop culture references, guys. Ok, failures. Hammels is coming out of the game, presumably with an injury. It's about freakin' time to make the Philly bullpen pay. DO. SOMETHING. USEFUL!

Ok, Tek, taking eight pitches after the starter comes out doesn't count as useful. Nice try, though. You've supplanted Sutton and Ernie as the leader in the "Taking The Most Pitches" award. REDDICKULOUS! You tripled! I am so proud of you! How's third base? Maybe you can come home and then tell your teammates tales of how amazing and beautiful the view from third is, and perhaps it will inspire them to visit third themselves. Maybe? Ok, Sutton. That was useful. I get it. I need to say mean, disparaging things about you guys more often because you are constantly hell-bent on proving me wrong. Great. Keep proving me wrong. I like when you do that. Though, I would have liked it better if you had gotten consecutive hits and runs while Lester had his no-no going. I guess I can't be that picky.

I'm not making promises, but it looks like I'll be handing out cookies after the game after all. Reddick, I hope you like chocolate chip. And Ronald? I hope you don't need your spine for anything. 2-0 Sox.

Bottom fifth! Now we have actual runs, so I can be slightly enthusiastic again! I continue to love Jon Lester, though that pitch count is getting a little high, darling. Keep it in mind for the next inning. Thanks.
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Top sixth! Jason, my love! Did you hit that home run to shut me up? It worked. I am full of joy again, and it's all thanks to you. Nothing else in this half inning matters. It's all about your home run, darling.

Bottom sixth! Jon Lester keeps rolling. I feel like he took my advice with that whole pitch count thing. Hey Beckett? Lackey? I hope you two are paying attention.
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Top seventh! I love you, Jon Lester, but I'm glad you don't have to bat for us regularly. Um, Tito... not that I'm complaining about Ronald coming out of the game, but when you have someone who obviously doesn't want to play as much as Drew does, why bother to pinch-hit him? He could have just been a defensive replacement. But fine, let him one-pitch-rally-kill again. Far be it for me to question your decisions.

Bottom seventh! Ok, up over 100 pitches now and allowing a single to Howard? Please stop that. Keep it at two hits. I'd like to update my post about Tek's no, one, and two hitters, and I can't do that unless you stop it. Again, Mr. Wolf decides that he doesn't like calling that many strikes for Jon. Sure, it looked like a close pitch, but it WAS a strike. And on his 120th pitch, Lester struck out Raul Ibanez to end the biggest threat the Phillies had going for them to this point. I can't imagine that he'll be back out for the eight. That would be stupid, Tito.
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Top eighth! Munchkin finally breaks out of his slump and homers! Two home runs in one game? My God, I don't even know what to make of this, but I like it.... TEK! Again! Oh my, I didn't think I could love you any more than I already did, but a two home run game has exponentially increased my love for all things Jason. Limited playing time does wonders for my darling. Just for the record, I would willingly take more half-innings like that any day.

So, I wrote out the rest of the game, but Blogger decided to Jenks it up and it is no longer here. I have no desire to rehash the Jenksing, so all you need to know is that Bobby was horrible, Lester got the win, and Paps made a save. All in all, a pretty good Thursday!

No Cookies For Anyone: Just Bruised Spines

I'm not updating the cookie chart. I didn't want to update it for the Padres series either, but in this case, there's no point. Despite the results of this afternoon's game, I'm giving two spine punches to everyone on the team. The only cookies are going to Tek, because my friend and I decided that he has to be suffering, knowing there's nothing he can do to stop this disaster theater. Yep. I'm claiming that Tek is the victim here. Tek and all the rest of us.

I'm not sure what's with this team. I feel like I've written a hundred posts just like this so far this season. They're streaky. I understand that baseball players tend to be somewhat streaky in general, but how is it that they're constantly streaking well or poorly at the same time? There's got to be some crazy voodoo involved in all of this. It wasn't bothering me so much before, and I was doing my best to find positives from the shitshow, but now it's just irritating. They're burying themselves. We are suddenly facing a 2.5 game deficit in our division.... and if they think I'm going to tolerate the Yankees being ahead of us this season, when we so clearly have the better all-around team, they are absolutely wrong. There will be smiting. So much smiting.

So let's analyze last night's game together, shall we? The Sox managed five hits off of Worley. Only one of them, John Lackey's RBI double (?!) went for extra bases. Ronald McDonald had a double off of Lee the night before. Salty had a double on Sunday. In the last three games, we have a total of three extra base hits, and none of them are better than a double. We can't use the excuse that Papi wasn't in the lineup last night. I'm not sure what excuse we CAN use. It seems that the outfield is a huge talent destroyer. Once we put someone in the outfield, they become useless... Adrian Gonzalez. Just saying. Though it's nice to see that he didn't shrivel into broken dust the minute he stepped onto the grass. So that was nice.

Lackey may have helped his own cause with the RBI, but then he detrimentally allowed the winning run to score two innings later. Was it worth it to get our hopes up, John? Was it? You just love to crush our hopes and dreams, don't you? Thanks for that. You pitched just well enough to lose, and you made kittens cry. Well done.

I don't know. I don't enjoy the way they're playing right now. I honestly hope that the upcoming hot streak will be worth the disappointing interleague play. I have to believe there's a hot streak coming, because that's their pattern, and they've programmed me to be expecting it. Can Crawford come back now, please?

Oh Bud Selig: Commissioner Complains About Dodgers

Really, Bud Selig? Do you really believe that you are in ANY position to complain about anyone acting outside of baseball's best interests? It smells a little hypocritical.

Apparently, Buddy isn't too happy about Frank McCourt filing for bankruptcy. He was, presumably, offended and hurt emotionally at the thought that the McCourts could be running the Dodgers into the ground. So what does he do? He releases a statement to whine publicly, JUST so Frank McCourt knows he's unhappy. From the article:

"We have consistently communicated to Mr. McCourt that any potential solution to his problems that contemplates mortgaging the future of the Dodgers franchise to the long-term detriment of the club, its loyal fans and the game of Baseball would not be acceptable."

Oh Bud. Long-term detriment to the game of baseball? I guess you know all about that. What about that whole steroid thing? It was pretty big news, and just about everyone knew about it.... except you? You want me to believe that? Ok.

How about how in the age of technology, you have limited access to all clips of anything MLB related to the ridiculously slow MLB.com, which no one wants to go to? All the kids are on YouTube, Bud. You would think that you'd want them to see clips of great moments in baseball history in the hopes that at least a few of them would want to pick a team and follow along. No? Fine.

What about suspending game 5 of the 2008 World Series because you apparently can't figure out how to get someone to track the weather? Wasn't that pretty detrimental to the game of baseball? You know, holding off the most important moment of the baseball season because heaven forbid Fox doesn't get a baseball game that night? Oh, I know it makes good business sense, but definitely not good baseball sense. If you can change the date and time of any other MLB game for any reason at any time, that should apply to the playoffs. Who wants to sit in the rain to watch the World Series? On the east coast? IN OCTOBER?! Do you know how cold the rain on the east coast is in October?! No? Alright.

Should we even get into the 2002 All Star Game and the havoc caused by that? Because I'm not so sure we want to get into it.

And if you want me to get irrational, we could always discuss Buddy-boy's refusal to overturn the bad call on Armando Galarraga's perfect game. Everyone in the baseball-aware world knew it was a bad call. Jim Joyce admitted he had blown the call. The RIGHT thing would have been to just change the call and award Galarraga the perfect game that he rightfully pitched. Did he change it? Nope! Of course not!

And maybe it's just me, but the $500,000 fine to John Henry for his 2009 comments about revenue sharing seems more like a school yard bully beating up someone for complaining that they've been beaten up. I know that kind of money is nothing to John Henry. I'm pretty sure he pays JD Drew that every time he ties his shoes. The fact that MLB is so infallible that they can't handle criticism doesn't sit right with me.

I could mention dozens of other instances of Bud being detrimental to the game of baseball (such as collusion in the 80's, the strike of '94... it goes on and on). And while I'm almost positive that I'm blowing his comment to Frank McCourt out of proportion, I'm allowed to do it. And he can't fine me for it.

Not Swept: One Out Of Three... Aint... Bad?

Hi! I'm back from my little impromptu vacation during which I did nothing but bake cookies and do laundry. Exciting life, I know. It's just that people can't get enough of the cookies so I'm forced into slave labor. It happens to everyone, right? Wait, that's not all I did. I watched baseball, too. Oh my, what a disaster Pittsburg turned into.

The whole series was honestly pretty shameful. Marco Scutaro, I'm going to have Mike Timlin punch you so hard in the spine, you'll be temporarily paralyzed. Kevin Youkilis, I'm not so sure you made a single play at third ALL WEEKEND. I was watching you. It was ugly. Actually, everyone's fielding was ugly. Scutaro, Reddick, Cameron.... guys, come on! We had something like six errors in the last four games, and that's not even accounting for the misplays that weren't called errors. I know you all are tired and the ASB is coming up, but you're not there yet! So cut the shit and field your positions. My God, you were all terrible.

Luckily, by the grace of whatever, they did manage to salvage the last game of the series, but just barely. It seemed kind of apparent to me that Ronald McDonald's cousin James really wanted to decapitate our Munchkin. Three times he threw up and in on Pedroia. I don't know what point he was trying to make, but you do not maim the Munchkin! We sort of need him.

Our terrible defense was offset by the even worse defense of the Pirates. It's troubling that we almost couldn't score runs without their help. Only one run was earned, the rest were handed to us. I'll willingly take them, but I sincerely hope that the Sox re-find the delightful swagger they possessed when they won 11 out of 12 against our ALE foes.

It's really hard not to harp on the negatives when they just played so poorly in their last two series and fell out of first in the division. I think I've done enough harping. Except for this... seriously, JD? How do you foul a ball off your own face? You're ridiculous! Ok, now the harping is over. We've got today off to reflect on the absurdity of the last week, and then we march Beckett's sick face out to square off against Cliff Lee. Frightening? For us, sure, but I think that Josh kept himself out of the lineup intentionally so he could face Cliff Lee on Tuesday. It's all in his master plan, folks. Trust in Josh.... or he might hurt you.

I Hate John Lackey: No, I Really Do

I sat in Fenway yesterday through rain delay after rain delay. It was by FAR the most rain delays I've ever sat through. And for what? To watch John Lackey do THAT?

After hours of traffic that shouldn't have existed this morning, hours of traffic that I expected coming home from the game yesterday, sitting in the bleachers and getting soaked, and wasting vacation time to watch John Lackey do THAT? Well, I'll tell ya, I'm just in no mood to recap that shit show. No mood at all. Nor am I in the mood to recap Tuesday's game, which was not NEARLY as bad. Alfredo Aceves, I forgive you. And in comparison to Lackey, I think I love you.

I'll spare you guys my frustration and anger, but on days like that, I think John Lackey should be forced to take that giant paycheck that he did not earn and issue refunds for everyone who wasted time and money to sit and watch him do THAT. So much money.... so much rain.... for that. I'm rightfully angry. I booed him. I NEVER NEVER NEVER boo my own players, but I couldn't control myself. It just sort of happened. It was an accident, and I feel badly about it.

Anyway, we have a nice off day to stew about the craptacular pitching of John Lackey and to think about how nice a new winning streak behind the delightful (he better be delightful!) arm of Jon Lester is going to be. I'm thinking it's going to be super nice. That sounds good, doesn't it? Happy thoughts, guys, on this icky, rainy, trafficky day.

Tale of Two Games: Sox Destroy Padres' Bullpen

This is David Ortiz. You might know him as the man who took 14 pitches in the first inning.
This was a tight, exciting game, yes it was. For six and a half whole innings, this game was close and tense, and we didn't know what was going to happen. That is what I'm going to refer to as game one. Andrew Miller debuted in game one and pitched serviceably until the 6th inning when he gave up a three-run home run and blew his own game. He couldn't finish the 6th, but I can't fault him for that because game two, also known as the bottom of the seventh and beyond, made up for it. First, a quick review of game one.

The most important thing to know is that I love Dave Roberts. You also love Dave Roberts, because it's the law. Seeing his happy, healthy, smiling face makes every bit of my day a little better, even my commute. Despite his happiness, I was still a little peeved in the first inning. Why, you ask? Well, another first inning bases loaded situation came and went, and the Sox minimized their own damage. After a seven-minute 14-pitch at bat to Papi, Ronald took one pitch and boom! Out. Scutaro took five, but he also wasted the runners. I didn't appreciate that lack of effort. Still, we almost came out of game one with the lead. We settled for a tie.

Couldn't find my pictures of Ernie, so I figured Tek is always a safe bet.
The seventh was it's own beast. Almost all of the relevant offensive points for the Sox took place in the seventh. First, Munchkin and Ernie teamed up to put the Sox back on top with a walk (technically to CRW, but Munchkin grounded into a force-out and took his place on first) and a wall-ball double. Yay, we're winning! Good enough, right?

No, apparently. Because it kept going. An intentional walk to Papi to load the bases. Scutaro gets hit by a pitch... then Varitek gets hit by a pitch. We've got a three-run lead now. Reddickulous singles, two runs score. 8-3. CRW singles. Pedroia walks and Tek comes in. 9-3. Ernie singles and two come in. 11-3. Youkilis doubles and two more come in. 13-3 Sox. The Padres threw more than 60 pitches in the 7th alone. Where were all these two-out hits in April?!

CRW added one more bases-loaded walk in the 8th, just to, you know, demoralize the Padres. They looked fairly demoralized. Bud Black looked like he couldn't seem to wake up from a terrible nightmare. Dave Roberts... eh, I think he was still smiling.

You knew the game was a laugher when Don and Jerry started... well, laughing. Laughing about chickens in the crowd. Laughing about their promo. Laughing that Jerry doesn't undo his ties. I know... it has nothing to do with baseball, but I sure do enjoy listening to them go off on tangents and get so worked up that they can't breathe. It's the little things, guys.

Josh is sick, presumably from high-fiving Youkilis after Youk spit on his hands. Again, baseball players are gross! Wash your hands, you slobs. So Aceves is taking his spot in the rotation today. What are the odds that Lackey falls ill tomorrow? I really hate the thought of wasting a beautiful day at Fenway having to see Lackey pitch.

Brewers Series: Cookies. Lots of Cookies.

I've got many, many pictures of Pedroia
It helps that Munchkin earned cookies this week, otherwise having him head the post would be silly, wouldn't it? Everyone who is DL'ed gets cookies this week, because cookies make people feel better. There were a few planned spine punches, but because of all the injuries, I've taken Timlin off task. Wouldn't want him straining his fist.

Varitek - 41 cookies - plus 2 for Game 1 RBI double, plus 2 for catching Chara's first pitch.
Munchkin - 38 cookies, 1 spine punch - plus 3 for key game 1 DP, plus 2 for game three home run
Papi - 33 cookies - plus 1 for being an RBI in game 2
Wakefield - 31 cookies - plus 12 for being incredible!
Tommy Hottovy - 25 cookies
Beckett - 24 cookies
Drew - 14 cookies
Crawford - 10 cookies - plus 3 for being hurt
Dahmer - 8 cookies - plus 3 for being hurt
Ernie - 7 cookies - for having 1,000 career hits
Aceves - 6 cookies
Ellsbury - 6 cookies - plus 2 for having a multi-hit game in inning 1 of game 3
Salty - 6 cookies, 2 spine punches - plus 3 for batting in runs in game 2
Lester - 5 cookies - minus 3 for a bad game
Youk - 5 cookies and 1 Timlin spine punch - plus 1 for being an RBI in game 2
Scutaro - 3 cookies
Cameron - 3 cookies 1 Timlin spine punch - plus 3 for batting in runs in game 2
Lowrider - 3 cookies for being injured
Jenks - 1 cookie
Michael Bowden - 1 cookie
Paps - 1 cookie 1 Timlin spine punch
Dan Wheeler - 1 cookie
Lackey - -14 cookies - plus 3 for not being too horrible
Tito - 1 Timlin spine punch