Relax: This Is Only A Test.

That's what I kept telling myself as the innings went on, and the Sox failed to string together hits. It's now been just about 49 innings since the Red Sox have put up a crooked number (Thanks to the fine research done over at Joy of Sox). 49 innings scoring only 1 run or fewer (that would be no runs for those of you not paying attention). We've lost 5 in a row. The Sox look like a little league team.

This is only a test.

Remember that when Brad Penny goes 5 innings tonight. It is only a test. When Papelbon loads the bases with no outs, it's only a test. When 'Tek strikes out swinging on a ridiculous pitch that he shouldn't have been swinging at? Only a test. When Jacoby swings at the first pitch and pops it up into the outfield? Only a test. When JD Drew stares at strike three for what feels like the 85th goddamned time in a row and you just want to scream "SWING THE F&*%ING BAT, YOU STUPID ASS! YOU'RE NOT GETTING PAID TO BE A F*&%ING MANNEQUIN!"... even this is only a test. A test of what, you ask. You know what, I reply.

Faith.

So keep it. And let's will a win out of Penny tomorrow.

OK, now I'm just annoyed

We can't beat veterans, we can't beat rookies.... scoring more than two runs seems to take an act of God these days.

I know it's only July and we're only one game out, but I am NOT happy about this. We went into the All-Star Break with a three game lead in our division and one week later we're a game out.

Hey Red Sox, in case you've forgotten, we've got an extremely talented farm system. So you might want to stop sucking because you can ALL be replaced. So get your goddamned acts together, because between the weather and you, my summer has been less than fun. So cut the shit!

Four Days Off: Killing All Momentum

Welcome back from the hideously long and stupid All Star Break, everyone! What a way to completely zap the momentum we had going. We roar into the break, building up a three game lead in our division and winning our final series with one hell of a badass performance by our ace, and then we whimper our way out of Toronto, losing only our third series since, what, May? I can't be too annoyed about it. Jon Lester may not have been sharp, but he was good. Roy Halladay, well, he was just better. It didn't hurt that our guys looked like they had left their bats at home somewhere. Maybe the equipment manager will find them before the game tonight. Wait... is there a game tonight?! Oh my God, I forgot the schedule!

Yeah. There's a game tonight. Smoltz vs. Millwood. This makes me sad, because our guys have tremendous trouble with Millwood. Well, the former Red Sox did. I don't know how this specific collection of ballplayers will do against him. Hopefully better than they did against Halladay, which shouldn't be too hard because Millwood is not Halladay.

Unfortunately, I didn't see the game on Friday, and I didn't see the game on Saturday. I didn't enjoy the game yesterday, and I won't be seeing the game tonight. It's essentially eight days without any good, meaningful baseball. It's killing me. But I'll be seeing Green Day tonight, and well, sometimes you HAVE to prioritize other things over baseball or you spend your entire summer on the couch. Lucky for me, after July, 90% of my summer vacations will revolve around baseball. It'll be nice to get away for a while to see some good old baseball. Yay baseball!

I'm assuming Smoltz will do well, because I want him to. Isn't that enough incentive for these guys? Making ME happy? No? Hmm... that seems like a big problem for me.

I'm sure I could find positives out of last night's game if I wanted to, I just don't feel that it went so bad as to need the positive reinforcement. Though I am annoyed that we're only a game ahead of the Yankees again. That irks me. Stop giving them hope!

POS: There's The Door, Please Make Your Way To It

I make no secret of the fact that I've been waiting, basically since they signed him, to move POS's name from my list of current Red Sox players to my list of former/non players. He is essentially the reason I started this blog. I needed an outlet to vent my endless frustrations about him and the team. If he's gone, no, I won't end the blog. It'll just be a much happier place to live.

To clarify... we did not win the world series in '07 with Lugo. We won despite him. Do you know what Lugo did in 2007? He made 462 outs. 10th in the league. No one else from the Sox cracked the top ten. Only 8 of those outs were sacrifice hits. 570 AB, and he made 462 outs. Yes, I'm being hyper critical of him, as I'm sure there were some other ugly numbers on the team that year. Truth is, I really just don't care.

I wanted him to do well. I didn't cheer for him, but I most certainly didn't boo him. It's just not logical to cheer against someone on your own team. He wasn't as BAD as I give him credit for, but he came with high expectations because of the stupid contract Theo gave him. When is Theo going to learn to NOT give ridiculous contracts to shortstops? It does not work well for him!

Either way, if this is the end of the Lugo era in Boston... I wish him luck. Honestly. Sort of like Wily Mo, as soon as they're off my team, I hope they find themselves somewhere good. But I will absolutely not be sad, nor will I ever look back on Lugo's tenure with the Sox fondly. As a matter of fact, I'm pretty sure there's a party in the planning stages to celebrate this departure. We just have to wait until it's official.

Pedro: Now The 5th Phillie I Can Remember

I have issues remembering who plays on the Phillies. The thought process usually goes like this:

Me: Hmm... I can't seem to remember who plays for the Phillies. Weird.
Also Me: What do you care? You can't even watch Phillies games.
Me: Well I do love me some good baseball, and considering they're the current world series champions, you would think I could show them a tad bit of respect and, uh, know them.
Also Me: Knowing players names doesn't make the game any more or less enjoyable.
Me: That's a lie and you know it. It is way more fun to shout, for example "C'mon, Jay Bay! You got this!" than it is to scream "Alright, left fielder, you can do it!" And before you ask, yes, I scream enthusiastically at my TV.
Also Me: So knowing all this... knowing about your fanatical, obsessive need to know players' names, you're telling me you can't name anyone on the Phillies?
Me: No, I can name four of them. That still leaves 21 guys that continuously slip my mind!
Also Me: Which ones can you name?
Me: Ryan Howard!
Also Me: That's cheap. Everyone knows Howard. Who else you got?
Me: Jimmy Rollins.
Also Me: Former MVP Jimmy Rollins? Yeah, he's kind of a recognizable figure also. Keep 'em coming.
Me: .... Shane Victorino.
Also Me: It's because of the nickname, huh?
Me: (long pause) Yeah.
Also Me: Not everyone gets to be called the Flyin' Hawaiian. Last one?
Me: Uh... hmmm....
Also Me: Oh Come on, this is YOUR list of players YOU remember.
Me: Wait! Chase Utley.
Also Me: All star.
Me: What do you want from me, I'm trying!

And it sort of goes on and on like that. Now, they've got Pedro, and as soon as he joins the big club, I can brag that I know of five Phillies instead of just four. What an accomplishment.

In all honesty, I think this is a bad move for Pedro. I think he'd be better served to just go back under that mango tree and enjoy retirement, because that's far easier on us than having him struggle his way through baseball. His fastball isn't what it used to be, and though I can't vouch for his location, I bet that's not quite as crisp either. Pedro was/is a baseball God. He will be in the pantheon of the greatest pitchers of all time. The man was insanely good. He was good. These days, or at least his last days with the Mets (almost a year ago)... uh, not so good. Listen, I wish him the best of luck. Honestly, I do. I want to see him do well, but I have reservations about how effective he can really be. Lets hope the Pedro experiment works well.

Joe Maddon: Big Stupid Meanie.

Count me among the group that this morning is calling for the immediate deportation of Joe Maddon. I don't care where we deport him to, just get him the heck out. I don't even care if this post reeks of blatant homerism. Tim Wakefield should have been in the game. Would it REALLY have killed Maddon to put him in to face ONE DAMN BATTER? No, it wouldn't have. This game meant so much to Tim, just so he could find himself benched for the entire night. He sat on that bench, and you could see that despite everything, he was still enjoying himself. I'm happy for him, I am, I just really wanted to see him in that game last night. Tim just always seems to find himself as the team's resident sufferer no matter what team he's on. He's always the one that ends up getting let down. He does not let us down, the rest of the world lets him down. It makes me sad. But he'll show 'em. Next year, he'll be back, and maybe he'll even start. And win. He'll get the win because he'll be pitching so well that Francona (wishful thinking) will let him go five innings against the clueless NL lineups. It will be great.

I feel no shame in admitting that I was rooting for the NL to tie it back up so we could go into extra innings. Unfortunately, the NL ran into a string of very good pitching from our side and they just couldn't push across that extra run. I wanted the extra innings so badly. I resigned myself to not caring who won, as long as Tim got to pitch. He didn't. Strangely, I still find myself not caring who won. Woo. The AL beat the NL again. I'm so shocked.

Seriously, NL... you could help yourselves out. Take a few extra grounders before the game. Talk to your team mates. Do whatever you need to do in order to not look like a bunch of confused hobos roaming around the infield. That first inning was not pretty. Aside from the fact that Lincecum was possibly a tad nervous for whatever reason, the infield did not help matters.

Paps decided to treat MLB to a little taste of what he's been giving us most of the year... heart attacks. That's right, heart attack theater was in full force during the ASG. One pitch. His first pitch. It looked destined for the bullpen. Luckily, I suppose, Carl Crawford jumped or reached or whatever he did and hauled it back onto the field for the first out. That catch, which wasn't as spectacular as everyone would have you believe, won Crawford ASG MVP awards. You can thank Paps for that, Carl. You wouldn't have won it without him.

But what about my arch-nemesis Curtis Granderson? Didn't he deserve it for legging out that triple that essentially would put us back on top. Triples are rarer than catches, so I think Curtis should have gotten it. But what do I know? I'm ridiculously bias against players not on the Red Sox but still in the AL East, so yeah. Nice to see Paps get the win. Last two years, Red Sox players have played a large part in the All Star Game. It probably goes back further than that, but to be completely honest, my memory is useless, and I don't feel like looking it up. And not for nothing, but if Jeter could run, Kazerud would have gotten an RBI in the game. Thanks for nothing, Derek.

So now we have two more days until actual, meaningful baseball is back. What am I going to do with myself?! Oh my God! This is terrible! Meh, I'm sure I'll think of something...

Home Run Derby: I Didn't Watch It 'Cause It's Stupid

After last year, I just don't have any respect for the Home Run Derby. Because of my irrational, uncontrollable, and completely unexplainable hatred for Justin Morneau... and honestly, I don't know why I hate him, I just get completely infuriated when I see him. I'm sure he's a lovely man and all, and he's obviously somewhat talented, but for chrissakes!.... anyway, my point.... because of my hatred for him, watching him win ANOTHER award that he didn't really earn (oh now I remember, AL MVP 2006.... that's why I hate him. Well one of the reasons anyway) just left a bitter taste in my mouth. Anyone who watched the home run derby last year knows that Josh Hamilton was the star of that show, and he SHOULD have won it. Who makes up the crazy, stupid rules anyway? I'm glaring angrily at YOU, Bud Selig....

So this year, Prince Fielder was victorious. Of course, I was rooting for our hometown boy, Carlos Pena, but I also like Prince Fielder, so I don't mind that he won. Actually... there wasn't a single guy in the competition this year that I would have been angry if they won. It was a nice group. Very uncontroversial, which is a good thing. So congratulations to Prince on your win. The win makes sense to me. You hit the most home runs over all, you win. He hit the most. He won. Brilliant. It's just too bad it also falls in with the silly rules that I was just complaining about. Whatever. Good job Prince!

This is my thought... people watch the home run derby for the home runs. Obviously. There's nothing else to watch during this event. There is no fielding. It's not really pitching. No baserunning.... you get the picture. It's all about the big blast over the wall that people go crazy for. However, due to the cutbacks in steroids, the home run derby is looking sadder and sadder and a lot of the big hitters don't want to participate in it any more. This is my thought. Make the people who get caught using steroids participate in the derby. Make it part of the punishment. That way, you're guaranteed hitters who have a little extra power. Just think of the home run derby this year. It would have had ARod and Manny! Think of the excitement and marketing possibilities, and the off-chance that ARod would break down in tears when he fails to deliver in the clutch... also known as the first round. Hey, there's a lot of competition and pressure in that first round! But of course, no one ever listens to my ideas...

So tonight is the All Star Game. I'll be watching, because as I've been told... this time, it counts. Or whatever. I don't pay very much attention so I might have gotten that wrong. But it counts! Home field advantage and what have you! Excitement around every corner!... or at least at home plate, I assume. After tomorrow, I won't have to write about the All Star Game for another year, so yay! Congratulations again to the Red Sox All-Stars: Timothy Wakefield, Joshua Beckett, Jonathan Patmybum, Munchkin Pedroia, Asshat Youkilis, and Kazerud Bay. Go git 'em, boys. (Except for you, Munchkin. You stay home with Kelli)