Red Sox: The Musical

No one really wants me to rehash that 18-3 beatdown, do you? Well, too bad if you do because I don't want to.

Instead, I want to talk about a little project Lauren (from toosoxy.wordpress.com) and I spent the majority of the game discussing.... Red Sox: The Musical!

Picture this... Scene One: Terry Francona asleep at his desk deep within the heart of Fenway Park. The sun rises, Tito wakes up with a big stretch. Music starts playing in the background. Tito brews himself a comically large sized cup of Bigelow green tea and starts in on the song "My Way's The Best Way," an upbeat tune about how the Red Sox will never need another manager. During the song, he alternates between sipping the tea and ripping up pictures of other major league managers he conveniently has sitting on his desk as he declares "My way's the best way for Fenway!" From the doorway, Larry Lucchino is seen watching with his arms folded. Before the song ends, he disappears.

Our hero of the musical, Jason Varitek, enters Tito's office to discuss the lineup for the night. He is informed that due to some struggling at the plate, he's going to be resting for the game later that night and Salty will be catching instead. Tek and Tito start in on a duet titled, "I've Got So Much More To Give."

Scene Two: The locker room after the game. The team has lost and everyone looks miserable. Kevin Millar and Dustin Pedroia lead the song "Cowboy Up," a motivational song that teaches that you CAN have fun playing baseball. Jed Lowrie stands up to try to have fun, injures himself and is traded to Houston before the end of the song. In the spirit of fun, Lackey, Lester, and Beckett sing a quick version of "Hell Yeah, I Like Beer." At the end of the number, Lucchino comes in and informs our favorite team that he's hired Mike Timlin as bullpen coach and has given him a crossbow to keep our pitchers in line. Julio Lugo arrived and he is bludgeoned by the chorus girls (IE - Lauren and myself... and my best friend, Amy, who has been waiting for another chance to pummel Lugo).

Kevin Youkilis sings a basebally version of the old Alice Cooper classic 'Vengeance Is Mine.' He rips out all of his luxuriously flowing hair in anger after striking out six times against the Kansas City Royals. At the end of his song, Lauren gets to appear and they duet a song titled "Love Despite the Rage." Cut to outside on the field at Fenway at night, under a full moon. Salty is sitting alone in the dugout. He too has been struggling at the plate. The catching corps is a mess. He sings the sorrowful tune "Thirty Three" in which he laments the fact that he'll never be like thirty three, despite all the tutelage Jason has provided to him.

I don't really know what else happens in the middle here. I didn't plan that far ahead.

Cut to the second to last scene of the play. It's game 7 of the World Series. John Lackey is the pitcher on the mound (I know, so unlikely but bear with me), and he unsurprisingly surrenders the go-ahead run in the six inning. With a score of 12-11 in favor of the opposing team, the Phillies, the Sox come up to bat. Quickly, we load the bases with two outs. Salty is scheduled to bat, but while walking to the plate, he is tackled by a  runaway Philly mascot and sprains his wrist. Tek is told to go up to bat. He stands at the plate feeling unprepared. The Philly pitcher needs to tie his shoe, so Tek takes the opportunity to look to the sky and ask for guidance. JD Drew's face appears in the clouds (think Mufasa from the Lion King). Jason asks him for advice. Drew announces he's going on the DL.  At that moment, Jason realizes that he's always had the strength inside him. Cue "I've Got So Much More to Give (reprise)." Jason somehow hits a grand slam.

In the dugout, John Lackey sees what just has happened. He sings, "I'll Do The Right Thing" with everyone sitting in the dugout as his backup chorus. He intentionally makes this crazy jerky motion and tears a hamstring. As he writhes in pain, the dugout chorus sways and sings, "We're gonna do the right thing, too! Oh, our fans are overdue!" The team goes out and plays flawless baseball and wins. They swarm the field, carrying all the injured players and sing all together, "Stronger Together," a song about team unity and the value of green tea. Antioxidants, you know.

In the last scene, Jason and Salty are sitting in the clubhouse on a bench talking about the win. Salty tears up, saying that he failed the team when they needed him most and starts singing "Thirty Three" again. Jason stops him and sings "Salty and Thirty Three," a song about how Salty may not ever be Jason, but if he believes in himself, he will carve out his own legacy.

I think that's the ending. Much happier story than last night's game, eh?