New York Yankees: Ten Things I Hate About You

This one, strangely enough, is actually going to be hard for me, but here we go...

10) The 'Stache. No, really, it's hideous. And it makes me a little bit queasy, just seeing it sit there, being unproductive and disruptive like Julio Lugo's fielding. Between the shiny shared thong and the 'stache, Giambi might be auditioning to join Julian in the adult film industry. And nothing about that sentence is ok. Nothing at all.

9)Joe Girardi. Actually, he doesn't belong on this list at all, I just needed an excuse to mention him. He's friggin hilarious! Really! Listen to his press conferences, and you'll see what I mean. Bickering with the media, getting obviously upset over repetitive questions, and not actually saying anything important. I love it. Joe Girardi makes me laugh, and he should make you laugh too. If you don't laugh at his misery, you have no soul. But I do hate that I don't get to see nearly enough of his press conferences. You should hate that, too.

8) Bobby Abreu plays the wrong character. Bobby doesn't seem to care that he's pretty much born for the role of an ewok. He's been demanding to play Chewbacca at all of Johnny Damon's Star Wars themed birthday parties. Says Damon, "Bobby doesn't like um uh get it um, man. He like uh should um be the uh little um ewok. He's like, um, not big enough to um uh be Chewbacca. He's um ruining uh the whole um damn uh party!" Johnny then burst into tears. Abreu's response was to growl and walk away, causing Kyle Farnsworth to cry with Johnny. That kind of selfishness is just deplorable. Hasn't Bobby ever heard of the concept of 'team?' You can't just do what you want to do if it hurts your team. (Actually, now that I finished writing this, I find it kind of funny that Star Wars was the first thing that popped into my head when thinking about the Yankees. Thanks a lot, Lucchino!)

7)Mike Mussina does not have antlers. You can't be called a Moose and be antler-less. That's just ridiculous and upsetting.

6) Hal Steinbrenner. He's really dropping the ball here on the family insanity. Seriously, Hal, when is the last time you said or did anything controversial or amusing? Your brother has that market cornered. Since your father really stays out of the picture, there isn't much competition for the title of Family Quackjob. Don't let Hank run away with it. I know you have hidden bits of wisdom to blurt out. Instead of saying that Joba Chamberlain is Josh Beckett, try something like "Joba Chamberlain is the next Doug Mirabelli." Sure, everyone will look at you and ask why you think he's going to turn into a handsome Italian catcher, but keep them guessing my friend. Keep them guessing. So far, you get an F for fail.

5) Susan Waldman. Don't know if I spelled her name right. Don't care. All I have to say is... HA!

4) They don't listen to Kevin Millar. Ok, I'm not going to complain about the fact that in '04, they disobeyed my Ducky when he said "Don't let us win tonight." Thing is, they're stubborn, so Millar could have said ANYTHING and they would have disobeyed him, just to prove that they don't have to listen to anybody. "Don't wear pink tutus on the field tonight," Millar could have suggested... "Don't roll around in poison ivy tonight".... "Don't make me a pizza tonight"... "Don't leave your sleeping bag at Jeter's tonight"... "Don't feed Mariano Rivera that extra chili dog tonight"... "Don't sleep with that washed up 80's singer tonight" (So I guess he got around to saying that last one after all). If they had just listened to Millar, they wouldn't be such a laughingstock right about now. Millar has this uncanny ability to be right*, so by ignoring him, the Yankees are trying to prove they don't need his wisdom. They do. And don't you ever forget that, Yankees. Stubborn, arrogant baseball team... Oh, and thanks Ducky!

*Disclaimer... that might not actually be true.

3) 26 Championships/rings. This is, by far, the most overused phrase in the history of Yankeedom. It's especially annoying when followed with "compared to your 2 championships" because that's just ignorant. Listen, Yankee fans, if you want to be proud of Yankee HISTORY (pay close attention to that word, now) that's fine. You should be proud. But let's not forget now that most of those championships were won before people like me were born. And if you're going to count your ancient championships, keep in mind that the Red Sox have a couple of those, too. Pretending that they don't just to prove the point that you used to be relevant is foolish. We have more than two, idiots!

2)The average Yankee fan. Arrogant, annoying, and entitled. I don't know many Yankee fans who aren't brainwashed by the '26 rings' mantra. And they have the nerve to complain about Red Sox fans? You know, complain about the fake fans all you want. The ones who act like they know everything, but can't name the starting lineup. (Which, by the way, New York has tons of). But pay attention to what your team is doing. Just because the Yankees have a great history (see, it's that word again) doesn't mean they're entitled to be good now. And you know what? They're really not. Ask the Rays how relevant history is right about now. Exactly.

1) They stole Johnny Damon's soul. And I think he's too stupid to know it's missing!

Tampa Bay (Devil) Rays: What I Hate About You

I was inspired this morning by a journalist over in St. Pete's to post up lists of what I don't like about other teams. Tampa Bay gets to be the first team I trash for no reason! The Yankess will probably be next, but I don't know if they're even worth my time. Before I start, I want to clear up the fact that I don't necessarily HATE any team, and most of the things I am going to say about all teams are completely made up... like, really, ridiculously, no-truth-whatsoever made up. Because this week, I'm all about rumors, baby. Without further delay, my ridiculous list.

Hey (Devil) Rays.... here's 10 things I hate about you!

10) You changed your name. I physically cannot say the names of the team in this league without adding (Devil) to yours, so the fact that you REMOVED the Devil (via exorcism, I'd imagine) is more than just a little bit inconvenient to me. And let's face it, it's just a little bit selfish, too.

9) Your stadium is stupid. OK, coming from a Red Sox fan, this may be laughable. But at least in our park, when Ortiz hits a home run so high and deep into fair territory in the outfield that it has a distinct possibility of bouncing off the moon, and maybe knocking a few meteors off a deadly collision-path with this planet, it always counts as a home run. We're less concerned with giving cats areas to roam than we are with counting home runs, thank you.

8)Cowbells. Unless you have Christopher Walken in attendance every freakin' night, there is NO need for more cowbell. I don't have the fever, and the cowbell is just getting on my nerves. Who brings a damn cowbell to a baseball game anyway?

7) Joe Maddon can't sing like Weezer. But he tries damn hard to look like them. I don't think Rivers Cuomo would appreciate knowing that someone is ripping off his look because he's been working towards that exact look for decades, and he's still got quite a way to go. Maddon, on the other hand, swoops in while Rivers is attending college and steals the look from under his nose. That's just not acceptable. I mean, have you ever heard Maddon trying to sing "El Scorcho"? It makes me react with my own horrible rendition of "Say It Aint So." Listen, Maddon, I know that you wanna be cool with the kids, and you're gonna keep doin' the things that you wanna do, but really now. I'm offended. And no, I'm not going to buy your version of the Green Album!

6)Scott Kazmir hates penguins. How can anyone hate penguins? Shame on you, Scott, and the organization that employs you. And don't give me the bull that penguins killed your parents. We all know it's not true, and you said that last week about bunnies. That's just wrong.

5) Eric Hinkse hits for you. Not for nothing, but Eric Hinske couldn't figure out which way he was supposed to hold the bat when he was playing for us. Hell, sometimes he wouldn't even use a bat. He'd go up to home plate with a golf club. That's giving new meaning to the phrase "automatic out." How did he turn it all around once he left us?! Did you hide his golf clubs?!

4) Carlos Peña. He's from Haverhill. You have no rights to him. Give him back now.

3) You stopped respecting Timmy Wonderpitches. Ok, this is just unforgivable. I don't know if perhaps you lost the memo, but you're not supposed to give Wake a hard time, especially in your craptacular "ballpark." The deal is, he pitches against you, you flail stupidly against the knuckleball and lose the game. THAT'S HOW IT WORKS! That's how it's worked FOREVER. Just because you feel like winning does not give you the right to win against Tim. Pick another pitcher. Fausto Carmona. Mike Mussina. Zack Greinke. Anyone, I don't care! Just not Wakefield. It will not be tolerated. For that matter, I just know Dougie is planning something for you to bring you down to earth. He can do that. He's Italian. Oh, and screw Kevin Cash.

2) No one on your team has a name beginning with the letter "H." That's some serious racism right there. I mean, we have Hideki Okajima, the Yankees have Hideki Matsui, the Angels have Howie Kendrick, the Astros have Hunter Pence, the A's have Huston Street, the Cubs have Henry Blanco... should I go on? Oh, I know you'll use the excuse "Well, we're not the only team who doesn't employ anyone who's first name begins with H." But gang mentality won't work here. Russia wasn't the only one to try communism, but I didn't approve of that either! As a matter of fact, Scott Kazmir isn't the only one on Earth who doesn't like penguins. Does that mean I approve of all people who don't like penguins, just because they aren't the only one? NO! Ridiculous!

and finally... 1) You think you've won something. Excuse me, but do we mock you by playing your silly little Bay Ray superhero cartoons on the big screen at Fenway when you lose to us? In case you forgot, we're still the world champions. Beating us in the regular season doesn't make you the champs. Remember that. See you in September.